My Prescription is Ready

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting in the clinic. Waiting for my prescription for zoloft to be filled. I was just diagnosed with postpartum depression. I've known for months that something was "off" with me. But I just kept thinking,  "Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better" but even if tomorrow was better, I could never feel it. My entire day would go smoothly and my kids would cooperate, yet I'd still be left feeling like we had the worst day ever. It's exhausting feeling so miserable for no good reason.

I had a difficult start with Rowan. Her colic and reflux causing all the constant crying is hard for anyone to deal with. But she is all better now. And I am not. I wish I could snap out of it. I can see myself drowning in unnecessary misery but I can't pull myself out. I am literally stuck here. So. Fucking. Stuck.

I barely interact with my poor kids. I do what I need to do to keep them alive. But that's it. I sit on the floor and stare at the ground as they play around me. "Smile now, you're supposed to smile at your children. Laugh now, that was funny. Look how silly they are. Why arnt you laughing?!" On the really bad days things like this cross my mind on a loop, "you're a selfish bitch Jo. How hard is it to sing itsy bitsy spider?! How hard could it be to dance with your babies, sing to them, read to them, be more than just 'here' but actually be 'present'? Is it really that difficult to smile at your husband when he comes home? You're lucky he hasnt left you yet."

It's hard. Really fucking hard. But it shouldn't be. I should be so happy. My kids are healthy, we are financially stable, we have everything we need and most of the things we want. My life is great!  I am just not enjoying it. I feel like someone died. Always. Who died?! Me, I guess. I am dying inside. I have fleeting moments of happiness. Every now and again I have a good day. But the bad days are much too often. Most days I go from feeling nothing at all to being outraged. I am numb unless I'm angry. Thank goodness there are smiley face emoji's so I can fake smile without actually having to break my face. It seriously feela like my face will crack if i "turn my frown upside down" I don't want to feel like this anymore.

There is nothing like this that I know of to compare it to. I had no idea that I would be aware of what is happening but still not be able to help myself. It's scary. I feel like I'm fucking insane. How can I know I should be happy, but still not be happy.

 I am not the mother I was after JJ was born. I'm not the mother I want to be or know I can be. I'm not the wife I once was. I am now cold and angry all of the time. I'm so grateful for Josh's patience with me. God bless him. He is so patient.

I feel a little relief with the diagnoses. It's nice knowing I'm not just a miserable bitch and that my brain is actually broken. I feel a sliver of hope. That i can be fixed. That i will soon feel better and more like myself and the person i know I really am. I look forward to smiling a real smile that doesn't hurt.
I worry that people are going to treat me differently now. I'm an open person. I feel it's important that I be open about this, other mothers openess about their PPD is what gave me courage to finally seek help. I have great friends who I know will be so supportive as I fight to get better. And Josh of course. He's got my back 100% and we both just want me to feel better.

Ugh. I fucking hate this. I HATE THIS!!!!! ITS SO UNFAIR!! I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND A WIFE TO AN AMAZING HUSBAND! WHHHHYYYYY?!!! <--me screaming. In my head of course. I can't actually muster up the energy to scream. But I want to. So there's that. It's kind of depressing knowing you're clinically depressed. I hope this zoloft works for me. 1 month. 1 more month of this and I should start to feel normal again. My prescription is ready.

                                         Honestly, Mommy