September 8, 2015
Dear Diary,
Today I have my second growth ultrasound to see if Rowan is just a small baby, or if she really has stopped growing. I checked my fundal height again this morning. It’s still only 34/35 cm. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. I’m 38w6d today. I feel hopeful that she has grown just enough to stay above the 10th percentile. I’ve been drinking so much water, so I think my amniotic fluid levels are above 5 as well. I guess we’ll see. As done as I am with this pregnancy, I don’t want to be induced. I want to do this the way I did it the first time. Naturally. All on my own. I have faith in my body. If the ultrasound shows that she hasn’t grown I know they will recommend induction and I’ll agree. Something isn’t right. I can feel it in my bones. I’ve been saying for weeks that she’s not growing.. but why?! She seems healthy during the NSTs, even during the ultrasound 2 weeks ago she looks perfectly healthy, just tiny. She measured between 33 and 34 weeks. There were no obvious signs as to why though. It scares me. I’m praying. Hard. Please let my baby be ok.
Honestly, Mommy
Honestly, Mommy
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Shit! Shit shit shit shit! It’s happening. I’m being induced. She hasn’t grown. She should have grown at least 1lb and she only grew a few ounces. My amniotic fluid also dropped to 5. I’m sitting in the waiting room. Waiting for my room to be ready. Waiting for Josh to get here. I’m alone. I’m scared. Why am I always alone when stuff like this happens!? Good news is that she seems healthy. Her breathing movements are good, blood flow, heart rate, just no growth. I can’t believe this is happening. I had to be walked over by the ultrasound tech. They probably knew I’d be a runner. Honestly, if they told me to come over here alone I would have went home and made some outlandish attempt to put myself into labor. Fuck. I hope I can do this. I hope Rowan is strong enough to handle the induction, I hope I’m strong enough. Fuck. Me.
Honestly, Mommy
Honestly, Mommy
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September 9, 2015
Dear Diary,
My little girl is here! Rowan Elizabeth Cunico. Shes beautiful. She looks EXACTLY like her big brother. I’m still in the hospital. Spending the night alone, just her and I. I better write about her birth before I forget too much. I’m sure things will be out of order, I lose track of time during labor.
I get to my room. They tell me to put on one of those gross scratchy gowns that a million women have worn before me. Ew. I get into bed and meet my nurse. She’s nice. I’m holding back tears, I don’t want them to baby me. Jessica arrives! At least I still get my birth photos, even though they will be full of machines, and medical equipment I know she will make them look beautiful. Cece finally makes it. She tells me that she’s glad it’s me and how she was worried at my last appointment. She told me that I needed to be in the hospital. That kind of makes me feel better. I know the induction is necessary. I feel myself going through the stages of grief, here I am, at denial. CeCe checks my cervix and does a membrane sweep. Son of a bitch that hurt! I’m a whopping 1cm dilated. All those contractions I had for weeks didn’t do shit! Step two of grief: anger. I am definitely grieving the loss of my ideal birth. I'll write about that another day. CeCe talks to me about my options for induction. I decide to go with a dose of cervadil to ripen my cervix first. At this point I’m already cramping from the membrane sweep. I pray that the Cervadil is all I need. The Cervadil is in place and I have to stay in bed to 2 hours. I’m hooked up to the fetal monitor, I have an IV port thingy in place, I’m wearing that fucking gown, I’m crampy, I’m uncomfortable. Josh shows up and when I can get out of bed I change my clothes and we eat dinner. I picked at my salad as I choke back tears, I try to act like my hopes and dreams for birth haven’t been crushed, I worry about my baby, I try to act normal, ignoring the cramps as long as I can. A couple more hours pass and I figure I should try to get some rest. The cramps are starting to feel more like contractions so I know things are picking up. More time goes by and I honestly think I just kind of dozed in and out. The contractions are right on top of each other, but they aren’t unbearable. CeCe came in to check on me, she asks me how I’m feeling and I answer honestly, “like shit. I’m not getting a break.” She suggests we take the Cervadil out in hopes that it will slow my contractions a bit. She said if they slow more than 3 minutes apart then we will start Pitocin. She checks me and I’m 4cm! Praise God. I get up and start to get in my zone. I get on the birth ball. I am determined to keep the contractions steady, I do not want Pitocin. Josh is right next to me, applying counter pressure, rubbing my back and shoulders, holding me, encouraging me, my contractions aren’t slowing, and they are getting stronger. I pray silently, thanking God for this body that is so able. More time passes and its starting to suck. I can’t get comfortable, it hurts, I can’t get in the tub because my room doesn’t have one, I can’t get in the shower because I have to be monitored constantly. It’s freezing in my room. I looked at josh and said, “I better be like 7cm.” CeCe checks my progress, I’m 5 cm. FIVE! I start to feel like I’m not gonna make it. I remember reading in Ina May’s book that women will stall if they aren’t comfortable. I ask to be taken off the IV so I can walk. I need to get up and help my baby move down. I think I made it to the door of my room and back to the bed and I started puking. YES! TRANSITION! FINALLY! I’m almost positive I just dilated 2 more cm in 5 minutes. Jessica is taking pictures of me as I pace the floor, I have belts on my belly and I’m carrying around the portable monitor. I’m thinking there is no way I’m going to like these pictures (I was totally wrong, the pictures are AMAZING).
All I can think of are the amazing photos of women laboring on comfy beds, in the water, in a homey environment, and here I am strapped to machines in this cold hospital room. There are cords everywhere and I’m just so fucking uncomfortable and I know its hindering my progression. At this point I’m so tired. I think it’s around 3am, 12 hours into my induction. I lay back down. My contractions space out but are SO INTENSE! I give myself to them. I try to relax and let myself open up and breath my baby down. More time passes. I go to the bathroom, all the fluids they are pumping into me are making me have to pee so often. It's irritating trying to get to the bathroom with all this stuff. My nurse is helping me, I start to cry. She asks of I'm ok and what do I need. I say I don't want to be here. I don't want to have my baby here. She tells me she knows, and that it's ok to be sad, that I'm doing a great job and so is my baby. I thank her. She is so kind. She birthed her babies at the birth center so she understood the type of birth I had hoped for. CeCe asks if I want her to break my water, I say no. I know if she does the contractions will only get more intense and I already feel like I can’t handle much more. I labor some more. I start thinking to myself that I can’t do it. It hurts, I don’t remember feeling this way with JJ. I let Josh rest and Jessica applies counter-pressure for me during my contractions. My back hurts so bad and her cool hands help immensely. CeCe comes in and asks if I want her to check me. I was afraid for her to check, I was afraid she would tell me I was only 7 cm. I knew if she told me that, that I was going to ask for something, not an epidural, but SOMETHING. I told her I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. CeCe, Josh, and Jessica all told me I could. It helps. I know they believe in me. I finally let her check me and I am complete. I can push. I push and it hurts. I don’t feel like I’m ready to push. I tell CeCe she can break my water now. I know that it’s almost over and that without the water bag I’ll probably have the urge to push. It works. After my water is broken the urge to push is amazing. Suddenly, there’s a million people in my room and I’m annoyed. Who are all these people and why are they talking! I feel disrespected, like my personal space was just violated, this moment was no longer private. My bed is being adjusted for birth, some nurse I don’t know is holdingy leg, josh is behind me, encouraging me and telling me I’m doing a good job. I’m so thankful for him. He’s doing such an amazing job helping me. I am NOT thankful for the million people in my room. I notice my nurse that has been with me all night has decided to stay for the birth. Its shift change. Another midwife asks me if I have an epidural. I say no, and everyone is impressed. I suddenly feel like such a badass. I needed that. I push again and I can hear myself roaring at the end of my pushes. Cece tells me to get mad about it, to push her out. “I just want her out!” “fuck!” I hear a nurse say, “all of us mamas here agree.” CeCe tells me that “fuck” is an appropriate response. I laugh inside. I love her. A couple more pushes, a few more roars, a scream and Rowan is on my chest! Suddenly I hear the nurses, “look at the cord! Look at the cord!” Panic rushes over me, then they show me this amazing knot in my baby’s cord. Holy shit, how did she do that? Rowan is crying, and she’s tiny and amazing and looks JUST like JJ. I start to cry, I’m just so relieved that she is here and healthy. I help her latch on, she’s terrible hahaha! I think we will just work on latch later, right now I’m sure she’s starving. Poor thing wasn’t getting enough nutrients to grow but now she’s here and soon, so will my milk. Rowan was 5lbs 6oz 18in. Born at 7:12am on September 9,2015.
All I can think of are the amazing photos of women laboring on comfy beds, in the water, in a homey environment, and here I am strapped to machines in this cold hospital room. There are cords everywhere and I’m just so fucking uncomfortable and I know its hindering my progression. At this point I’m so tired. I think it’s around 3am, 12 hours into my induction. I lay back down. My contractions space out but are SO INTENSE! I give myself to them. I try to relax and let myself open up and breath my baby down. More time passes. I go to the bathroom, all the fluids they are pumping into me are making me have to pee so often. It's irritating trying to get to the bathroom with all this stuff. My nurse is helping me, I start to cry. She asks of I'm ok and what do I need. I say I don't want to be here. I don't want to have my baby here. She tells me she knows, and that it's ok to be sad, that I'm doing a great job and so is my baby. I thank her. She is so kind. She birthed her babies at the birth center so she understood the type of birth I had hoped for. CeCe asks if I want her to break my water, I say no. I know if she does the contractions will only get more intense and I already feel like I can’t handle much more. I labor some more. I start thinking to myself that I can’t do it. It hurts, I don’t remember feeling this way with JJ. I let Josh rest and Jessica applies counter-pressure for me during my contractions. My back hurts so bad and her cool hands help immensely. CeCe comes in and asks if I want her to check me. I was afraid for her to check, I was afraid she would tell me I was only 7 cm. I knew if she told me that, that I was going to ask for something, not an epidural, but SOMETHING. I told her I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. CeCe, Josh, and Jessica all told me I could. It helps. I know they believe in me. I finally let her check me and I am complete. I can push. I push and it hurts. I don’t feel like I’m ready to push. I tell CeCe she can break my water now. I know that it’s almost over and that without the water bag I’ll probably have the urge to push. It works. After my water is broken the urge to push is amazing. Suddenly, there’s a million people in my room and I’m annoyed. Who are all these people and why are they talking! I feel disrespected, like my personal space was just violated, this moment was no longer private. My bed is being adjusted for birth, some nurse I don’t know is holdingy leg, josh is behind me, encouraging me and telling me I’m doing a good job. I’m so thankful for him. He’s doing such an amazing job helping me. I am NOT thankful for the million people in my room. I notice my nurse that has been with me all night has decided to stay for the birth. Its shift change. Another midwife asks me if I have an epidural. I say no, and everyone is impressed. I suddenly feel like such a badass. I needed that. I push again and I can hear myself roaring at the end of my pushes. Cece tells me to get mad about it, to push her out. “I just want her out!” “fuck!” I hear a nurse say, “all of us mamas here agree.” CeCe tells me that “fuck” is an appropriate response. I laugh inside. I love her. A couple more pushes, a few more roars, a scream and Rowan is on my chest! Suddenly I hear the nurses, “look at the cord! Look at the cord!” Panic rushes over me, then they show me this amazing knot in my baby’s cord. Holy shit, how did she do that? Rowan is crying, and she’s tiny and amazing and looks JUST like JJ. I start to cry, I’m just so relieved that she is here and healthy. I help her latch on, she’s terrible hahaha! I think we will just work on latch later, right now I’m sure she’s starving. Poor thing wasn’t getting enough nutrients to grow but now she’s here and soon, so will my milk. Rowan was 5lbs 6oz 18in. Born at 7:12am on September 9,2015.
Honestly, Mommy
Here's the link to the preview of Rowan's birth done by my photographer. I could not be happier with how well Jessica documented my labor and Rowan's birth. If you ever get the opportunity to work with her DO IT!
http://www.photoartbyjessica.com/blog/2015/9/10/rowan-elizabeth-birth-story-in-tucson-arizona1
You writing is so raw and really moved me. Great birth story.
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