I Don't Like My Baby

Dear Diary,

I don't like my baby that much. Ugh. I love her, of course. But like? Not so much. She cries constantly. It's like she's broken. I feel broken. Why can't I fix her? It breaks my heart. I know something must be wrong, no baby just cries like this for no reason. I just can't figure it out. She only wants to be held, I can't put her down. She nurses so much in the evening for comfort and then just spits it all up. She is demanding so much of my energy I don't have anything left. I miss my son. Josh is home and JJ loves playing with him. I want to play too but I can't get off the couch! I take a shower only to cry alone. I'm afraid for Josh to see me like this. I don't want him to think I'm crazy. I'm so fucking sad. All day. I can't figure out if this is baby blues or if I'm battling depression. I wonder if it's depression or just the toll my daughter is taking on me. I feel like she's killing my soul. I want to set my uterus on fire. The thought of ever having another baby like her is horrifying. Josh and I joke that we should give her away and try again. We joke, but it breaks heart. I want to like her, I want to enjoy her, I don't want to feel this way about my child. I need to find out what's wrong.. I can't live like this, I can't just let her cry.. I'm afraid to ask for help, maybe people will think I'm whining or just being a pussy about having a newborn again. But this isn't normal. JJ never cried like this. I keep praying for mercy. God please! Have mercy, give me a break. Just one hour of her not crying! Her cry makes me sweat, makes my heart race, makes me angry, makes me sad. I know a baby crying is supposed to have that effect on me. I'm supposed to come to her, to help her, comfort her. I'm so lost. All my efforts have failed. Josh and I alternate turns bouncing her on the yoga ball.. when i don't have her i try to play with JJ but he wants nothing to do with me.. I feel my little girl has put a wedge between me and my sweet boy. That also breaks my heart. I miss him. When I look at him now he seems so different, I haven't had a chance to just play, read a book, or anything, just him and I in 3 weeks and it sucks so bad! I wish Rowan would let me put her down even just for 15 minutes so I can read him a book or just hug him. I'm so fucking tired. So. Tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally. After caring for Rowan I have nothing left. How can this tiny baby suck the life out of me. She's so beautiful though. I just stare at her. She looks so much like her brother. I just need her to get her shit together. I don't know how much of this I can handle before I let this depression swallow me up. I need to help her. I need to fix her. Jesus give me patience, show me how to be merciful, give me strength to endure this, give me a new baby. I'm joking, unless that's an option.. thank you for my baby. Keep her safe when I can not.

                                              Honestly, Mommy

Update* Rowan is now 2 months old and we are doing amazing!! She's a happy girl now after being diagnosed with reflux and lip/tongue ties. I finally helped my baby, and we fixed her.