Cloth Diaper experience

Some of you were following my journey into the cloth diaper world a.k.a. the dark side, so I wanted to give an update.

IT'S AMAZING! I thought we were just going to dabble and cloth part time. We quickly switched to full time and use a disposable at night. I am a little intimidated by cloth diapering overnight, but I've been looking into combinations that will reduce the chance of leaks. Disposables can hold a lot more than a cloth diaper can unless you can figure out a perfect combo. Right now, I'm in no mood to change pjs at 3 am because she leaked through her diaper.. im too tired.

 I sold most of my disposables, I kept enough diapers to go a few months in each size if I just use them at night. Letting those diapers go was sooo fucking hard. I cried. I worked so hard couponing and working deals to build that stash and it was spectacular. I now realize I had an unhealthy attachment to my sposies (term used by cloth diaper moms for disposables)

I have had to learn a lot of new lingo in order to understand what the hell everyone was talking about when I started asking questions. It was an insane couple of days when I first started looking into it. I asked questions in mommy groups, watched a million YouTube videos, read some blogs.. I quickly became obsessed.

The hardest part of cloth diapering is figuring out a wash routine to keep your diapers clean, without smell, and so they last until potty training. It's not as simple as just throwing them in the wash. I have had to test my water for hardness (my water is basically rocks) so that I could find a detergent and booster that will get my diapers clean and keep Rowan from getting rashes. Thanks to the help from a "professor" at Fluff Love University my wash routine is easy and simple. Prewash with 1/2 cup borax & line one of Tide powder, main wash 1/2 cup borax & line 3 of Tide. Another tricky part was getting my water- to-cloth ratio correct. It's called a "stew". I need to make sure I don't have too much water and my diapers are swimming (soup) or too little water that the diapers arnt moving (chili). I need a perfect amount of water (stew) so that my diapers are agitating properly and rubbing each other clean. Come to find out I've been over sizing my regular laundry as well and wasting water! Who knew?!

Diaper stew

My favorite type of cloth diapers are prefolds and flats with a cover which are the more traditional or old school type of cloth. I really enjoy the different types of folds and that I can use just 2 covers all day. I can also push a diaper change to 3 hours if she's in a prefold. It holds way more than a pocket diaper. I was really surprised that i like prefolds and flats so much because it is the polar opposite of disposables. I thought for sure I'd prefer a pocket diaper or all in one system. I do really like pockets for quick changes and when leaving the house  and they are easy for Josh to change. I have also noticed that there are waaaay more cute prints in pockets than in covers.

I haven't noticed a difference in effectiveness between the brands I have tried. We haven't had any leak issues with bumGenius  (high end expensive) or with SunBaby or Alva (China cheapies) I prefer the SunBaby brand because of affordability and they are sooo freaking cute! They also have a strip of PUL on the inside which keeps Rowan's onsies from wicking up pee while she sleeps on her tummy. All of my covers are Alva and I think they are better than the Thirsties brand. They are thicker and the double gusset around the thighs looks more comfortable for Rowan's chunkiness! If you arnt familiar with cloth diapers you probably have no fucking clue what I just said. Haha!


My stash consists of 6 cloth-eez small prefolds, 5 flour sack towels  (flats), 5 Alva covers, 3 Alva pockets, 15 SunBaby pockets, and one bumGenius pocket. I have 2 pail liners, 2 wet bags, and a few snappies (modern version of a safety pin for flats and prefolds). I also have extra microfiber/Bambi blended inserts and charcoal inserts.

Just missing a few dirties. 

 I will need medium prefolds soon and plan to get a few more flats and covers. When Rowan starts solids I'll need a diaper sprayer which i plan on making myself. Right now her breastmilk poo is water soluble and doesn't need to be rinsed before washing. I know it sounds gross but that's what the pre wash is for. It's a light wash with a little detergent to get the pee and poop all rinsed away so that your main wash can be done in clean water. You can't expect your diapers to be clean if you wash them in shitty pee water. Ew.

I have spent roughly $200 on my stash so far. Which none of it came out of pocket since I had $300 worth of disposables that I sold and used to buy my diapers. Hold on... 😭 ok. Im over it. My cloth diapers are much prettier and i actually find some satisfaction in washing them and putting them away instead of throwing them away. With my sposies (such a cute name!) I would throw them away and watch my supply dwindle and feel so much anxiety at the end of a pack. Like I said, unhealthy attachement. With my cloth I get to stare at them and know they won't ever leave me! I have enough diapers to cloth full time and go 2.5-3 days without washing. Im told you don't want to go more than 3 days between washing no matter how many diapers you have. 

Sooooo pretty

Overall, I'm kicking myself for not knowing about Facebook groups when pregnant with JJ. I just Googled it and was so overwhelmed with all the information so I just said fuck it. I've always wanted to cloth and after meeting some other mamas who clothed and seemed to really love it I started to think about it again. I reached out and was walked through the process by other cloth diapering mamas. I am so appreciative of all the mamas who have been holding my hand through this transition and making it less scary.
I'm so glad I didn't wait any longer to switch!

I mean.. look at this!

The ONLY down side to cloth that I have run into is that it's really hard not to buy all the diapers! They are so cute and I love Rowan's fluff butt! I definitely see how women get addicted and end up with over 100 diapers... which is ridiculous. Totally understandable, but still ridiculous.

Final thoughts. If you're thinking about switching, try it out! You can borrow from a local cloth diaper library if your town has one (tucson does!) Or buy a few used ones. I guarantee you will be hooked in a week!

Sometimes being a mom kinda sucks

Dear Diary,

Sometimes being a mom kinda sucks. I love my children don't get me wrong. But the expectation of motherhood being all rainbows and sunshine is total bullshit. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it feels unfair. Sometimes I wish my kids didn't have vocal cords. Sometimes JJ eats hotdogs for breakfast lunch and dinner. Sometimes I don't shower. Sometimes I don't even change my clothes. Sometimes I want to hire a lactating nanny because sometimes I don't want to nurse my son to sleep. And sometimes, I don't want to nurse my daughter 5 minutes after she was 'done'. Sometimes I wonder if I really am doing my best. Sometimes my patience runs thin. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I feel like the worst mom ever. Sometimes I don't want to do the dishes for the 3rd time today. Sometimes I don't want to cook dinner. Sometimes I don't even want to THINK about what I should make. Sometimes I don't want to pick up the toys again. Sometimes it's hard and that sucks. But I ALWAYS love my family. I ALWAYS nurse my son to sleep. I ALWAYS nurse Rowan on demand. I ALWAYS say I'm sorry if I yell and lose temper. And to be honest I'd be super jealous if I used a lactating nanny. These are my babies! MINE! I ALWAYS get a shower, eventually. I ALWAYS stop whatever I'm doing to listen to Rowan coo or hear JJs broken rendition of twinkle twinkle little star. And I ALWAYS do my best. And my babies will ALWAYS love me and forgive me for my short comings. Because I am ALWAYS their mommy. Sometimes being a mom is hard and that sucks...but not always.

                                  Honestly, Mommy

I Don't Like My Baby

Dear Diary,

I don't like my baby that much. Ugh. I love her, of course. But like? Not so much. She cries constantly. It's like she's broken. I feel broken. Why can't I fix her? It breaks my heart. I know something must be wrong, no baby just cries like this for no reason. I just can't figure it out. She only wants to be held, I can't put her down. She nurses so much in the evening for comfort and then just spits it all up. She is demanding so much of my energy I don't have anything left. I miss my son. Josh is home and JJ loves playing with him. I want to play too but I can't get off the couch! I take a shower only to cry alone. I'm afraid for Josh to see me like this. I don't want him to think I'm crazy. I'm so fucking sad. All day. I can't figure out if this is baby blues or if I'm battling depression. I wonder if it's depression or just the toll my daughter is taking on me. I feel like she's killing my soul. I want to set my uterus on fire. The thought of ever having another baby like her is horrifying. Josh and I joke that we should give her away and try again. We joke, but it breaks heart. I want to like her, I want to enjoy her, I don't want to feel this way about my child. I need to find out what's wrong.. I can't live like this, I can't just let her cry.. I'm afraid to ask for help, maybe people will think I'm whining or just being a pussy about having a newborn again. But this isn't normal. JJ never cried like this. I keep praying for mercy. God please! Have mercy, give me a break. Just one hour of her not crying! Her cry makes me sweat, makes my heart race, makes me angry, makes me sad. I know a baby crying is supposed to have that effect on me. I'm supposed to come to her, to help her, comfort her. I'm so lost. All my efforts have failed. Josh and I alternate turns bouncing her on the yoga ball.. when i don't have her i try to play with JJ but he wants nothing to do with me.. I feel my little girl has put a wedge between me and my sweet boy. That also breaks my heart. I miss him. When I look at him now he seems so different, I haven't had a chance to just play, read a book, or anything, just him and I in 3 weeks and it sucks so bad! I wish Rowan would let me put her down even just for 15 minutes so I can read him a book or just hug him. I'm so fucking tired. So. Tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally. After caring for Rowan I have nothing left. How can this tiny baby suck the life out of me. She's so beautiful though. I just stare at her. She looks so much like her brother. I just need her to get her shit together. I don't know how much of this I can handle before I let this depression swallow me up. I need to help her. I need to fix her. Jesus give me patience, show me how to be merciful, give me strength to endure this, give me a new baby. I'm joking, unless that's an option.. thank you for my baby. Keep her safe when I can not.

                                              Honestly, Mommy

Update* Rowan is now 2 months old and we are doing amazing!! She's a happy girl now after being diagnosed with reflux and lip/tongue ties. I finally helped my baby, and we fixed her.

Birth plan, shmirf plan.

September 8, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today I have my second growth ultrasound to see if Rowan is just a small baby, or if she really has stopped growing. I checked my fundal height again this morning. It’s still only 34/35 cm. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. I’m 38w6d today.  I feel hopeful that she has grown just enough to stay above the 10^th percentile. I’ve been drinking so much water, so I think my amniotic fluid levels are above 5 as well. I guess we’ll see. As done as I am with this pregnancy, I don’t want to be induced. I want to do this the way I did it the first time. Naturally.  All on my own.  I have faith in my body. If the ultrasound shows that she hasn’t grown I know they will recommend induction and I’ll agree. Something isn’t right. I can feel it in my bones. I’ve been saying for weeks that she’s not growing.. but why?! She seems healthy during the NSTs, even during the ultrasound 2 weeks ago she looks perfectly healthy, just tiny. She measured between 33 and 34 weeks. There were no obvious signs as to why though. It scares me.  I’m praying. Hard. Please let my baby be ok.

                                                         Honestly, Mommy

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Shit! Shit shit shit shit! It’s happening. I’m being induced. She hasn’t grown. She should have grown at least 1lb and she only grew a few ounces. My amniotic fluid also dropped to 5. I’m sitting in the waiting room. Waiting for my room to be ready. Waiting for Josh to get here. I’m alone. I’m scared. Why am I always alone when stuff like this happens!? Good news is that she seems healthy. Her breathing movements are good, blood flow, heart rate, just no growth. I can’t believe this is happening. I had to be walked over by the ultrasound tech. They probably knew I’d be a runner. Honestly, if they told me to come over here alone I would have went home and made some outlandish attempt to put myself into labor. Fuck. I hope I can do this. I hope Rowan is strong enough to handle the induction, I hope I’m strong enough. Fuck. Me.
                                                         Honestly, Mommy

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September 9, 2015 

Dear Diary,

My little girl is here! Rowan Elizabeth Cunico. Shes beautiful. She looks EXACTLY like her big brother. I’m still in the hospital. Spending the night alone, just her and I. I better write about her birth before I forget too much.  I’m sure things will be out of order, I lose track of time during labor.

I get to my room. They tell me to put on one of those gross scratchy gowns that a million women have worn before me. Ew. I get into bed and meet my nurse. She’s nice. I’m holding back tears, I don’t want them to baby me. Jessica arrives! At least I still get my birth photos, even though they will be full of machines, and medical equipment I know she will make them look beautiful. Cece finally makes it. She tells me that she’s glad it’s me and how she was worried at my last appointment. She told me that I needed to be in the hospital. That kind of makes me feel better. I know the induction is necessary. I feel myself going through the stages of grief, here I am, at denial. CeCe checks my cervix and does a membrane sweep. Son of a bitch that hurt! I’m a whopping 1cm dilated. All those contractions I had for weeks didn’t do shit! Step two of grief: anger. I am definitely grieving the loss of my ideal birth. I'll write about that another day. CeCe talks to me about my options for induction. I decide to go with a dose of cervadil to ripen my cervix first. At this point I’m already cramping from the membrane sweep. I pray that the Cervadil is all I need. The Cervadil is in place and I have to stay in bed to 2 hours. I’m hooked up to the fetal monitor, I have an IV port thingy in place, I’m wearing that fucking gown, I’m crampy, I’m uncomfortable. Josh shows up and when I can get out of bed I change my clothes and we eat dinner. I picked at my salad as I choke back tears, I try to act like my hopes and dreams for birth haven’t been crushed, I worry about my baby, I try to act normal, ignoring the cramps as long as I can. A couple more hours pass and I figure I should try to get some rest. The cramps are starting to feel more like contractions so I know things are picking up. More time goes by and I honestly think I just kind of dozed in and out. The contractions are right on top of each other, but they aren’t unbearable.  CeCe came in to check on me, she asks me how I’m feeling and I answer honestly, “like shit. I’m not getting a break.” She suggests we take the Cervadil out in hopes that it will slow my contractions a bit. She said if they slow more than 3 minutes apart then we will start Pitocin. She checks me and I’m 4cm! Praise God. I get up and start to get in my zone. I get on the birth ball. I am determined to keep the contractions steady, I do not want Pitocin. Josh is right next to me, applying counter pressure, rubbing my back and shoulders, holding me, encouraging me, my contractions aren’t slowing, and they are getting stronger. I pray silently, thanking God for this body that is so able. More time passes and its starting to suck. I can’t get comfortable, it hurts, I can’t get in the tub because my room doesn’t have one, I can’t get in the shower because I have to be monitored constantly. It’s freezing in my room.  I looked at josh and said, “I better be like 7cm.” CeCe checks my progress, I’m 5 cm. FIVE! I start to feel like I’m not gonna make it. I remember reading in Ina May’s book that women will stall if they aren’t comfortable.  I ask to be taken off the IV so I can walk. I need to get up and help my baby move down. I think I made it to the door of my room and back to the bed and I started puking. YES! TRANSITION! FINALLY! I’m almost positive I just dilated 2 more cm in 5 minutes.  Jessica is taking pictures of me as I pace the floor, I have belts on my belly and I’m carrying around the portable monitor. I’m thinking there is no way I’m going to like these pictures (I was totally wrong, the pictures are AMAZING).  

             
All I can think of are the amazing photos of women laboring on comfy beds, in the water, in a homey environment, and here I am strapped to machines in this cold hospital room. There are cords everywhere and I’m just so fucking uncomfortable and I know its hindering my progression. At this point I’m so tired. I think it’s around 3am, 12 hours into my induction.  I lay back down. My contractions space out but are SO INTENSE! I give myself to them. I try to relax and let myself open up and breath my baby down. More time passes. I go to the bathroom, all the fluids they are pumping into me are making me have to pee so often. It's irritating trying to get to the bathroom with all this stuff. My nurse is helping me, I start to cry. She asks of I'm ok and what do I need. I say I don't want to be here. I don't want to have my baby here. She tells me she knows, and that it's ok to be sad, that I'm doing a great job and so is my baby. I thank her. She is so kind. She birthed her babies at the birth center so she understood the type of birth I had hoped for. CeCe asks if I want her to break my water, I say no. I know if she does the contractions will only get more intense and I already feel like I can’t handle much more. I labor some more. I start thinking to myself that I can’t do it. It hurts, I don’t remember feeling this way with JJ. I let Josh rest and Jessica applies counter-pressure for me during my contractions. My back hurts so bad and her cool hands help immensely. CeCe comes in and asks if I want her to check me. I was afraid for her to check, I was afraid she would tell me I was only 7 cm. I knew if she told me that, that I was going to ask for something, not an epidural, but SOMETHING. I told her I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. CeCe, Josh, and Jessica all told me I could. It helps. I know they believe in me. I finally let her check me and I am complete. I can push. I push and it hurts. I don’t feel like I’m ready to push. I tell CeCe she can break my water now. I know that it’s almost over and that without the water bag I’ll probably have the urge to push. It works. After my water is broken the urge to push is amazing. Suddenly, there’s a million people in my room and I’m annoyed. Who are all these people and why are they talking! I feel disrespected, like my personal space was just violated, this moment was no longer private. My bed is being adjusted for birth, some nurse I don’t know is holdingy leg, josh is behind me, encouraging me and telling me I’m doing a good job. I’m so thankful for him. He’s doing such an amazing job helping me. I am NOT thankful for the million people in my room. I notice my nurse that has been with me all night has decided to stay for the birth. Its shift change. Another midwife asks me if I have an epidural. I say no, and everyone is impressed. I suddenly feel like such a badass. I needed that.  I push again and I can hear myself roaring at the end of my pushes. Cece tells me to get mad about it, to push her out. “I just want her out!” “fuck!” I hear a nurse say, “all of us mamas here agree.” CeCe tells me that “fuck” is an appropriate response. I laugh inside. I love her. A couple more pushes, a few more roars, a scream and Rowan is on my chest! Suddenly I hear the nurses, “look at the cord! Look at the cord!” Panic rushes over me, then they show me this amazing knot in my baby’s cord. Holy shit, how did she do that? Rowan is crying, and she’s tiny and amazing and looks JUST like JJ. I start to cry, I’m just so relieved that she is here and healthy. I help her latch on, she’s terrible hahaha! I think we will just work on latch later, right now I’m sure she’s starving. Poor thing wasn’t getting enough nutrients to grow but now she’s here and soon, so will my milk. Rowan was  5lbs 6oz 18in. Born at 7:12am on September 9,2015. 

                                                   Honestly, Mommy

Here's the link to the preview of Rowan's birth done by my photographer. I could not be happier with how well Jessica documented my labor and Rowan's birth. If you ever get the opportunity to work with her DO IT!

http://www.photoartbyjessica.com/blog/2015/9/10/rowan-elizabeth-birth-story-in-tucson-arizona1

Showering, and the lack there of

Dear Diary,

I’m disgusting. I only shower when I can’t remember the last time I showered.  I’m not ever sure if it’s the sleep deprivation induced memory loss, or the fact that it’s actually been days since I last bathed.  Either way, I’m gross. I’m starting to think showers are a real inconvenience and waste of time. When I finally do shower I can’t help but think of all the other things I could be doing with this precious time. Cleaning the kitchen for the 4^th time, folding at least one basket of laundry, sleeping, eating, the list goes on. As I scrub dried spit up that’s festered in between my boobs for only God knows how long, I like to guess how long it will be before my daughter pukes down my bra again. The soonest has been less than 30 seconds, the longest time is about an hour. I will say, I do make it a point to shower when I legit can’t remember.  And to be honest, sometimes I would just rather watch Scandal until I can’t keep my eyes open. Showering while both my kids are awake and when Daddy isn’t home is never gonna happen. I have one opportunity, one shot… and sometimes I just don’t take it.

        Honestly, Mommy