Guest submission by Jessica Berard.
Jan 12, 2016
Dear Diary,
Where do I even begin? The twins are almost 4 months old and holy shit has time gone by...way...too...fast!! I feel like it was just yesterday I was going to my 35 week OB appt and heard my doctor mutter the words "you have developed pre eclampsia and need to have these babies today!" Do you know how freaking scary it is going in for a routine appointment, to then find out you'll be ending up in the hospital where your life is about to change?! Not many people know my delivery story, why? Because it's dramatic, and scary, and NOT picture perfect like all moms wish for.
I got to triage just minutes after my doctor muttered those awful words (thank goodness the hospital was right across the street) and had to sit there for 8 long hours. Everyyyy single room in L&D was full, I mean come on, I was terrified as shit, and couldn't even be in a nice big delivery room. I had eaten breakfast that morning so my doctor had me wait 8 hours before my surgery in the event I needed general anesthesia - those were the LONGEST 8 hours I have ever experienced. Anxious that my blood pressure was high, anxious that I would become paralyzed from the spinal, anxious that my babies would come out and need NICU time since they were preterm. On top of those fears, I started having contractions and holy shit balls, they were painful. I do NOT know how women give birth naturally, I'd probably pass out from the pain, and I give you natural birth mamas MAJOR props.
Around 3:30pm the nurses wheeled me into OR prep, hooked me up to tons of fluids, put the compression machine on my calves to prevent clots, and proceeded asked me a million questions. Nurses kept coming in and out like I was a damn celebrity. The anesthesiologist finally came in {thank goodness because I had a million questions} and in my fear mode I asked him how many times he'd done this and if anyone had ever become paralyzed (< was such a legit fear of mine). Apparently that was an amusing question because he instantly started laughing like I was some dramatic idiot lol Once he explained everything and reassured me he was a pro, they wheeled me into the OR (which for the record is small as shit unlike what you see on TV shows - can you say claustrophobic?!?) and prepped me for my spinal...and guess what?! I survived the spinal and didn't die or become paralyzed like I thought - although once it kicks in it's the scariest feeling in the world being numb from the chest down. They finally let my husband in the OR, and then the swarm of help arrived. There could very well have been more that I didn't see, but there was for sure: one NICU doctor, 4 NICU nurses, two surgical nurses, three OBs, the anesthesiologist, and a nurse who was shadowing. The procedure begin and took what felt like forever for me to hear baby cries. Kenneth came out first screaming balls to the wall, and a minute later I saw little Alice..but there was no sound. I have never been more scared in my life. So helpless. She had swallowed fluid on the way out and was born not breathing, but within a minute (or less) the NICU doctor had her breathing (and screaming!) thank goodness. And yes, it's true, you do bawl when you hear your babies cry for the first time - it's pure joy! I will say, the c section was NOT easy though - I got violently sick from low blood pressure, couldn't feel myself dry heaving (attractive huh?) and even after four anti-nausea injections nothing helped so the doctor was use suction in my mouth like dentists use lol. The NICU Doctor took the babies and then my doctors finished and wheeled me into recovery where I got MORE anti nausea medication and something to stop me from shaking uncontrollably.
At 7pm the nurses had turnover, and at 730pm I was wheeled into the NICU where the babies were being monitored. There is nothing scarier than the NICU by the way - babies everywhere that were so small and helpless, & parents who were exhausted and emotionally drained. The nurses wheeled me up to Alice first and all I could do was smile from ear to ear (I didn't even cry which was surprising). She was only hooked up to a BP cuff and ekg leads and was perfect, I mean there is no words to describe how she looked. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I was so scared of "breaking" her - she was only 4lb12oz and 18" at birth. BEST moment of my life and I did not want to give her back to the NICU nurse. Kenneth was in the next room over and was just as perfect - 6lb8oz and 20.5" of perfection! Let me tell you too...you love your husband a lot before children, but that love grows substantially when you see him hold his children for the first time! ❤.
They made me leave to go into my postpartum recovery room, but assured me the babies were well enough to be transferred to my room later that night. Do you know how amazing that is?! They were born at 35w2d and only needed 7 hours of NICU monitoring...that almost NEVER happens to preterm babies! Go me for growing them so well ahaha 😊
They brought them to our room around 11pm that night and I was freaking exhausted but my husband and I held them like the night would last forever. We got absolutely ZERO sleep, and it sucked to function, but it was all worth it. We had visitors starting the next day (in laws and my parents) and it was overwhelming as hell. The mamma bear in me kicked in and I didn't want ANYONE holding the babies. I know that sounds so f*ed up but they were mine and I didn't want to share.
Wednesday (two days post delivery) all was fine and well until I got up to walk the halls. I made it to the end of the hallway, and then felt like I was going to pass out. Went back to my room where I had visitors and the nurse checked my BP. Guess what?! It was back up to the 160s/100. I instantly went into panic mode. In my mind, I was about to die - okay, that may be a bit dramatic, but really, I thought for sure I was going to die. My blood pressure had not only spiked, I was starting to become hyper-reflexive, was shaking uncontrollably (from the nerves and high BP) andddd after bloodwork, found out my liver/kidney values were screwed up. The nurses consulted with my OB and attempted oral blood pressure meds, which weren't working, then turned to IV blood pressure meds which worked for like an hour. I tried so hard to remain calm until the next morning when they said my OB would stop by. When you're in that state you want to see you OB calm. Well, holy shit, when even your OB is worried who wouldn't freak the f out! 😕. She increased my meds, and told me she'd check back on Friday, and that's just what happened...
She came back Friday morning and my BP was not coming down and I was having bad side effects of the pre eclampsia. I was sent immediately to L&D where I had a catheter placed and was started on the dreaded magnesium sulfate for 24 longgggg hours. It's serious when they start that...why you ask?! It's the drug they turn to to prevent seizures which can lead to...DEATH 😞 For those that have never experienced it - be glad, VERY glad! That shit messes you up big time...you can't walk, can't comprehend anything happening around you, can hardly open your eyes, and you feel shitfaced drunk. That's NOT how I imagined spending my time in the hospital and I was scared to death. I couldn't stop crying, and was so anxious (thank god they gave me Xanax lol). I couldn't even hold my newborn babies for fear of dropping them. Thank the lord for my husband. That man did EVERYTHING for those babies while I was praying {hard} that I wasn't going to die and leave my husband a single dad.
Saturday morning they checked my BP and it had come down (although still high) so they shut off the magnesium, rechecked labs (which hadn't gone up, but also had not changed) and told me I wasn't going home!! This was day 6 for me in the hospital and I wanted to get the hell out of there!! I kept taking my meds as directed and late that afternoon my BP had somewhat stabilized. I begged my doctor to let me leave - I'm pretty sure she felt sorry for me, because she ACTUALLY approved me to be discharged. It was lateeeee Saturday night that we left but lordy lord it was amazing to see the outside of a hospital and be on our way home.
The first month at home with the twins was so fucking hard (excuse my language). They were never on the same schedule, slept for what felt like 5 minutes, were sooooo clingy and I was overwhelmed. I'd go in the bedroom and just bawl hysterically. Thank goodness my husband had 40 days off or I truly would've had a mental breakdown and developed PPD.
Like I said earlier, they're almost four months old now and they're starting to get fun. They're not just blobs anymore - they smile and coo when you talk to them, play on their activity mats, and {for the most part} we've been lucky enough to have them sleeping ~6 hours straight at night.
Looking back, I hated my delivery story and those first moments the babies were born, but I have God to thank because he brought them into this world with grace, made sure they were healthy, and most of all, made sure I pulled through my recovery safely. My story isn't picture perfect, and some will feel sorry for me, but don't, it's a huge part of my life that I'll never get to experience again so I take it now with a grain of salt.
Here's to good, bad, happy, and sad of motherhood!! <3
Honestly, Mommy
