Dear Diary,
It's been 10 days since my mom passed of cancer. She survived 2 years and 8 months! These 10 days have been some of the most emotional days of my life. While there's so much to express there's a few scenarios that I can truly express the emotions coming out despite knowing this time was coming. Starting with the phone call that no one EVER should have to get at 1143pm on January 2nd 2016. "um, I'm so sorry, I hate to do this over the phone but your mom has passed" "we have called hospice and are waiting for them to get here" I slammed my phone down shaking and suddenly furious that NO ONE had called me earlier in the evening to tell me she had had a rough day, thinking we were going to have some kind of warning. Instantly I panicked because my husband was at work in the air on a flight(he's a flight medic) calling dispatch, leaving my 4 kids In the middle of the night with a sitter and driving to his base quarters. Awaiting a phone call on the next move. It finally came through and he had landed but I had to drive all the way to TMC to pick him up(it's 50 min from our house). At this point I had to pull it together to try and make it there. Eventually, a friend came through and met us there to continue driving to green valley to see her. The hospice nurse finally made it there at 1215am stating "I'm going to pronounce her" and did! My heart sunk even more. It was final. There's no going back, no speaking with her, no more hugs from her, watching her rock in her chair, or breath funny, NOTHING, she was GONE! He nurse wouldn't wait for us to get there. We didn't make it until 130ish. Found out absolutely no one had called the priest to give her "last rights" because she was Catholic. So, my husband ended up doing the prayer and blessing himself. My husband, myself and friend sat there with her and cried and reminisced and cried again for about 4 hours until we got a phone call from the funeral home asking for her paperwork at 530am. I just about lost it because I wasn't even over the initial shock and she hadn't even been gone 6 hours yet. They were nice and said "just call us back in a couple days" we then headed home getting breakfast on the way. Now at 24 hours with no sleep. Exhausted, we thought we'd go home and sleep for a few hours. That never happened unfortunately. Although our kids were gone. We were bombarded with phone calls from grieving family and friends AND a very rude one from her care home about "removing her body an items ASAP"! Glad I didn't take that one and my husband did. Then the offers of "help to move her items out of the care home she had been" and while we had the help they all decided to get her furniture out of her house as well. I called upon my best friend to meet me there. It felt so rushed. By 9pm I still hadn't slept yet. Going on 40 hours now. My friend bought me a bottle of wine to try and ease my nerves. I drank the whole thing in 30 min(I rarely drink ANY kind of alcohol) We finally headed out about midnight and made it to the Denny's by our home about 2am Monday morning after realizing it had been 21 hours since I last ate. Thank god my kids were with a friend. Making it home about 315..... And I crashed. FINALLY slept for the first time in 45 hours! This was only the beginning of a stressful week of funeral preparations. Through out the week my emotions got the best of me a few times. I accidentally drove over my best friends foot, punched a guy for picking on my 11 year old, self conscious daughters hair cut, melted down over leaving my moms blanket for a guy trapped in his car after crashing into a ditch during a snow storm, screamed at my husband(our relationship is way better than that) and yelled at a funeral director for not consulting with me on music for her funeral. Today myself and family had some closure as we celebrated her life here in Arizona but I still have to plan another funeral for anxious family members in Vermont. Along with purchase horribly priced plane tickets for 2 weeks from now! Thanks for listening to my story! It means more than you know.
Love the "mama bear who lost her shit"
Honestly, Mommy
**about Stephanie**
Mom to 4 children ages 11,almost 9, 4 and 2. I am a SAHM during he school year homeschooling our oldest. I teach swimming during the summer and coach swim team year round. My husband and is a 13 year veteran and civilian flight medic.
Dear Mama Bear,
ReplyDeleteThere is a reason we are called "Mama Bears". Because even though we are human beings- we are built, as mothers- to withstand as much or more than any and all of nature's most fierce beings. We love as intensely and committed as any wild animal; therefore our nature to love and nurture and protect is inherently programmed into us. We consistently put everyone else's needs before our own, and we run tirelessly on caffeine, the occasional glass (or bottle) of wine, very little sleep and non-stop prayers. We are harsh and treat ourselves so poorly compared to the ones within our care. The bear the unshakable pillar of strength. Unlike the bear, mama's, human mommy's, moms.... we do not hibernate when the world turns cold, and dark. We are far too brave, even when we do not feel brave at all, too stubborn, and damn it -too hard headed to allow ourselves to grieve when our loved ones also feel the sting of loss. Consider this-the ferocious bear can only withstand a limited amount of time in the fight before her body says it is time to sleep, time to rest, time to hibernate until the sun warms the earth again. We stay, all year long; 24 hours a day 7 days a week.... we fight, and despite the wreckage of our hearts- we live another day, another week, another month. We live to love, and we live to tell our stories and to inspire the other women and families struggling around us. Sure we get cranky, overwhelmed, frustrated and even a little lost sometimes. This is NOT losing your shit! Correct me if I am wrong, But at least when you are angry you aren't Eating, or Mauling to death the self righteous and self absorbed jerks in your way! I promise you if you havent eaten anyone one yet or crushed the life sucking breath out of the idiots around you- you have not yet "lost it"! Not bad for a bear! If you need a moment, a meltdown, a 10 minute shower where the kids cannot see you cry- take it! This is the only outlet we have been given, so use it. Use it to let go of some of that pain, use it to allow yourself a moment to breathe, use it to release that anger. We we not given the great bears retreat into hibernation, we have only moments to spare in the chaos of our busy lives. Use them. Those that love you understand and those that do not- do not matter. Do not forget mama bear that this is YOUR time to grieve also, more than anyone else's. It is not your responsibility to "keep it together"... instead take those moments-let it fall apart long enough for you to let yourself feel all that has been thrown at you. You are a Mama Bear, and until you let yourself "lose it" a few times you will not have the strength to help the ones around you heal as you would wish them to. Mama Bears fight, but mommy's- honestly- deserve to catch their breath and cry it out as much and sometimes more than anyone else. Moments do not feel like much when your heart is as overwhelmed as yours is, but those moments when you feel so frustrated that you get angry with the universe.... those moments matter. Lean on your Spouse, your best friend.... whomever you have to, because that is what they are there for, and it is OK. You will stand again- soon enough- as the unwavering pillar of strength they are accustomed to you being. But for now, I implore you mama bear- Dont' eat anyone alive, and do not forget to take care of YOU also. Take NO shame in Losing it, Hell lose it a little more frequently if it helps, have another bottle of wine, but do not apologize to anyone for losing your shit or coming undone in the face of such a devastating blow. She was YOUR Mother, it is OK to hurt, lose it and take whatever time and whatever outlets you can find for the insurmountable grief that is in your heart. Mama bears hurt too, and sometimes, just sometimes.... it's OK to retreat to a quiet corner and lick your own wounds until you have healed enough to resume your place between the world and the rest of the ones you love.
Sincerely.... A Little Mama Bear In Nashville